


Boychik-sama's Very Special Day

by Shayheyred



Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: Bar & Bat Mitzvah, Crack, Gen, Jewish Character, Jewish Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-14
Updated: 2015-05-14
Packaged: 2018-03-30 13:23:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3938380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shayheyred/pseuds/Shayheyred
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haruhi stumbles onto something about Tamaki she never knew. Prepare to suspend belief, full steam ahead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Boychik-sama's Very Special Day

**Author's Note:**

> Another ridiculous little piece from some years ago. Enjoy.
> 
> * * *

"What's going on?" 

"Shh," Honey whispered. Quietly Haruhi closed the door of the Third Music Room. "The Prince is making an announcement." 

"What kind of—"

"Come on!" Honey's small hand, sticky with cinnamon-bun icing, closed around Haruhi's wrist, and forcefully pulled her to the far end of the room. There Tamaki was, as promised, holding court. Mori sensed his tiny sempai's presence and moved aside to let them in.

"—custom, you see," Tamaki was saying as his fair head came into view, "—and of course I expect you all to be a part of it. I've waited a long time for this, and I'm planning a very special theme—"

"What's going on?" Haruhi whispered, this time to the Hitachiin twins.

"It's Tamaki's—" said Hikaru.

"—Bar mitzvah," finished Kaoru.

"His—"

"Bar mitzvah," explained Kyoya, interrupting Tamaki's dramatic presentation. "In which a male child of the Jewish persuasion is recognized as an adult member of the community."

"It's not a persuasion," rumbled Mori. "It's a people. And a religion. And also, it’s not just boys."

"Mori's so smart!" Honey squeaked, hugging Mori around the waist. "My Mori!"

"Hm," said Mori, flushing slightly.

"Of course, Tamaki should've done it when he turned 13," continued Kyoya. "But he wanted to wait until his voice finished changing. He's too vain to want to chant the Torah while his voice was breaking."

" _Do_ you mind?!" Tamaki, who had been reclining regally in his huge chair, stood up, quivering with indignation. "This is a very important thing for me, and you are ruining the effect." He threw an arm over his face with a sigh and sank back into the throne – chair – in a theatrical pose. "This is so stressful. So very stressful." 

"Sorry," murmured Kyoya, not sorry at all. "Do try to get a grip." 

Tamaki struggled up nobly and assumed a brave face. "I'll have you know this important milestone was postponed for three years entirely due to the fact it was hard to find a rabbi. It's not like you can go up the hill to the local shrine and find one. We had to arrange for Rebbe Fukiyama to fly in to do the service—"

"Wait, wait, wait a minute," said Haruhi, putting up her hands to stop the insanity. "Let me get this straight—"

"Heh," said Hikaru, waggling his eyebrows.

"She said 'straight,'" Kaoru giggled.

"Tamaki," Haruhi said, ignoring them. "You're _Jewish?_ "

"Why yes," he answered, brightening. "I thought you knew."

"Not so much. I thought you were Japanese. And French."

"They're not mutually exclusive," murmured Mori.

Kyoya whipped out a calculator and started punching numbers. "Tamaki – I figure that if you invite a hundred people, and each one gives you a gift of—"

"So," Haruhi pressed on, feeling like her head was about to spin loose, "your mother was Jewish, then? I mean, since your father is definitely Japanese."

"My father too."

"Ehh?"

He shrugged, a Gallic-Jewish-Asian-fusion shrug. "What can I tell you? My dad's family is decended from one of the lost tribes of Israel."

 _"Really_ lost, I'd say."

"Anyway, Kyoya, we'll total the gifts later. I want to talk to all of you about the party. Honey, if I can depend on you and Mori to work with the caterer? You know what I like." 

"Anything for our prince," said Honey. "Lots of pastries?"

"Mm," agreed Mori.

"Kaoru, you and Hikaru are in charge of the entertainment."

"Don't worry, Tamaki," smirked Hikaru. "We can be very entertaining, can't we, brother?" Kaoru blushed in reply.

"Just don't frighten my Aunt Sophie," said Tamaki. "She's coming from Boston, and you know how fragile American sensibilities are. And you, Haruhi—" Tamaki took her by the shoulders. "Can I depend on you for something very, very important?"

"Well, er, of course," she answered, pleased and yet thoroughly alarmed. "Anything."

"Great! My cousin Sylvie will be there. She's fifteen, and she needs a date. She's arriving today and I'm giving her to you."

"She – you – _what?_ " Haruhi's stomach dropped. "But I can't…she…I – You _know_ I'm not really a–"

"Haruhi," Tamaki said, pouring on the charm, which felt to Haruhi more like a bucket of oil being dripped slowly over her head, "You know I can't trust anyone else with my flesh and blood." He gave the rest of the Host Club a speaking look. "They're animals. You? You're a gentleman."

"Actually, Tamaki," Haruhi said, removing his hands from her shoulders with as much force as she could muster. "I'm not a gentleman at all. As you well know."

"But this is _important!_ It's a _bar mitzvah!_ My only chance to get it right and not be a failure and have my family shun me forever." The tiniest of sobs caught in Tamaki's throat. "So Haruhi, for my bar mitzvah, for me, for _Father_ , will you do it?"

Really, thought, Haruhi, there was no arguing with an evil prince, was there?

"Fine," she said. "Today I am a man."

* * *

  



End file.
